Well, here we are again. This week will officially be the 4th year that we don't get to celebrate the milestones of our son. I can't believe he would be turning 4 years old already. Time truly slips by when you're grieving the loss of a child. Whether it's slow or fast, time passes anyway. We do our best not to focus on the negative in life, and some days that's really hard.
I recently saw a facebook post that really resonated with me. Ever since Sam passed away, I noticed that my patience was thinner than ever, and I was not easily able to maintain my cool, especially when there was a lot going on. I kept blaming myself for this, thinking "If I was just a better mom I wouldn't yell so much, or get angry so quickly" I would and still often do, judge myself harshly. Well, I have 2 things I've learned from this.
1. It's okay for me to continue to desire to want to improve, so yes it's a good thing that I am still catching myself when I'm not behaving the way I would rather I was being, and
2. It's not always my fault; meaning, it's not that I mean to react this way, but it's almost a new survival response.... (not an excuse, merely an understanding of what I'm doing.
Here's what the post read:
The last line in particular hit me hard "Please. Let me collect myself before you start to accuse me of being in a bad mood." There have been so many times when David has started to say something and I internally get incredibly angry because that's essentially what he's saying to me. So we've talked about it, and after this post, I told him to read it, and that this is literally what I feel, that I frequently get overwhelmed, and it's not that I'm in a bad mood, but that I just need to be left alone.
So I also spoke to Jade about it, her being 9 years old now, she understands me better and is able to catch on to when everyone just needs to go to a different room and give me some space for a bit. This has been such a huge help because it has even allowed me to more quickly stop myself and say "No, it's fine..."
So if you know someone who has had the loss of a loved one, and you notice they're "not the same" anymore, it's true.
